


What it Means to be a Girl...

by sailortenoh



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Umi Sonoda, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Slurs, Trans Anju Yuuki mentioned, Trans Female Character, Trans Honoka Kousaka, Trans Nico Yazawa, Trans Rin Hoshizora, Transphobia, also WHERE IS THE TRANS SMILE TRIO CONTENT THEYRE SO GOOD, but trust me it gets weighed out by the good stuff, dead naming, ik it looks like theres a lot of negativity in the tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26517676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailortenoh/pseuds/sailortenoh
Summary: Honoka Kosaka was seven years old when she realized she was a girl.--A chronicle of Honoka's life of self discovery of who she really is.
Relationships: Kousaka Honoka/Minami Kotori/Sonoda Umi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

Honoka Kosaka was seven years old when she realized she was a girl.

It had started with an off-hand comment from Kotori’s mother to her own mom one day while she had been playing with Kotori and Umi at the park.

“My my, it’s almost as if █████ is just as much a girl as those two!”

Honoka wasn’t sure what to think of it at the time. She wasn’t a girl, she was a boy, wasn’t she? Honoka wasn’t much of a deep thinker. After all, she was only seven year old, but for the first time in those seven years, Honoka started thinking. Hard. Really hard even.

‘Am I… not a boy…?’

That thought stayed with her the rest of her afternoon at the park, on the walk home with her mother, during dinner with her family, and even after she had tried going to sleep. 

What did being a girl mean? What made them different from boys? She thought about the girls at school as she laid in bed, her fingers absentmindedly playing with her hair.

...her hair! Most of the boys at school all had their hair cut short, and so did her dad! But she had always refused a haircut (not because she was scared, absolutely not), leading to her hair being about the same length as her mom’s, and even the girls at school!

Honoka frowned. Sure her hair was long, but there were some boys with long hair too. So did that really mean she was a girl? 

Honoka sat straight up and started thinking about the girls at school. So they both had long hair, but what else was she missing? 

...accessories! Lots of girls at school wore their hair up in ponytails with little scrunchies! Without even thinking, Honoka leapt out of bed and rushed over to her table, grabbed some ribbon from a homework project she had been working on earlier that night, and taking a clump of hair on the side of her head, tied the ribbon around it. When she turned to look in the mirror, she was awestruck. Was that really her? Reaching out to touch the glass, Honoka swore her chest felt warmer than usual, and she smiled.

‘Maybe being a girl wouldn’t be so bad!’ she thought to herself.

\---

“Kosaka-san? Are you alright?”

“Huh?” Honoka snapped back into reality, seeing Kotori and Umi staring at her, Umi looking visibly concerned.

“Y-yeah, of course I am! And y’know you don’t need to call me that, Umi-chan!”

“A-ah, right, sorry █████-san!”

Honoka couldn’t help but frown. Ever since that night that she had put her hair up in a ponytail she had been thinking more and more about what made a girl, well, a girl, and the next thing that had come to mind was her name. █████ wasn’t exactly a very girlish name when you got down to it, and she had grown more and more sick of being called that in the past few days. But that begged the question, what name could she use instead?

“█████-chan, are you sure you’re okay? You’re not sick are you?”

“N-no way, Kotori-chan! Just uh…” Honoka felt her voice go quiet. Could she tell Umi and Kotori? She wasn’t even sure herself if she even was a girl, but what would they think? Would telling them help her come to a decision herself? 

Honoka took a deep breath in.

“Actually, uh… I was thinking about something…” She took another deep breath. “Um, the other day when we were at the park, Kotori-chan’s mama said that I was ‘as much a girl’ as you two…”

“Really? Mama said that?”

Honoka nodded, and Umi looked absolutely shocked out of her mind.

“B-but you’re a boy! What would make her think you’re a girl?”

“I-I dunno! But, ever since then I started thinking, what if I was a girl, like you two? Would that be weird?”

Kotori and Umi were both silent and looked at each other, Kotori being the first to look back at Honoka.

“I don’t think so, █████-chan! If you wanna be a girl, why not give it a try!”

“I agree with Mina- er, Kotori-san!” Umi piped up. “But, if you decide to be a girl, would we still call you █████-san?”

“Ooh, that’s a good point Umi-chan. It’s a pretty boyish name isn’t it?”

Honoka nodded in agreement. But what would they call her if she decided she was a girl? Honoka looked down at her shirt, the hiragana for ‘ho’ printed on the front. 

“Ho… ho…” Honoka muttered to herself as she propped her elbows on the table, trying to think of something that could possibly follow ‘ho’.

Kotori and Umi seemed to be just as deep in thought, Umi suddenly popping her head up after a few moments of thought and quickly scribbling the character 和 on a piece of paper. 

Honoka’s face brightened almost immediately upon seeing it. “Yeah, that’s great Umi-chan!”

“Don’t you think it could use a little more than that though? I don’t think I’ve heard of any girls named Hono before.”

Honoka sighed and flopped her head on the table. “Kotori-chan’s right…” The three girls sighed, staying relatively motionless until Kotori suddenly turned her head towards the window.

“Ka!”

“Ka…?” Honoka and Umi both said in unison, tilting their heads in confusion.

“Ka!” Kotori repeated, pointing at the flower pot on the windowsill. The two girls beside her turned to where she was pointing and suddenly realized what Kotori was referring to. With a smile back on her face, Honoka snatched up a piece of paper and a crayon, quickly scribbling out two big characters and turning it to show her friends.

“Hono… ka…” They said in unison, their expressions quickly matching their friend’s. “...Honoka!”

With a triumphant grin and a newfound heat passionately burning within her, Honoka stood up on the table, ready to declare to the world (or at least the two girls in the room with her)...

“From this day forth, I am… Honoka Kosaka…!”

\---

“█████!!! It’s time for dinner!”

Honoka groaned at the sound of her deadname. She was thirteen years old now, and it had been five years since she had, as she had learned from the Internet, come out to Kotori and Umi. Ever since then her two friends had been nothing but supportive of Honoka’s new path in life, both going as far as to lending her clothes of theirs that they thought she might like. Kotori had even given Honoka her favorite yellow scrunchie, which now sat proudly on the side of her head, keeping her side ponytail in place. Umi had lent her some of the more “girly” clothing she had received as gifts from relatives, most of which was pink, but Honoka didn’t mind that one bit. If it made her look girlier, that was all she cared about.

“█████!!!”

Honoka groaned again, yanking out her scrunchie and pulling off her clothes to get changed back into her ‘normal’ clothes. It had been easy keeping this a secret from her parents at first, back then she could just go over to Kotori or Umi’s house and they could just say they were playing dress up, but now that she was a teenager it was getting harder and harder to hide things. Honoka had already lost a skirt to Yukiho when her mother found it peeking out from under her bed, who thankfully hadn’t given it a second thought, but she wasn’t sure how much longer her luck would last. 

““█████! Dinner!” 

‘Shit, now dad’s calling…’ 

“Just a sec…!” She called down, shoving her clothes into the back of her closet and rushing downstairs to join her family for dinner. 

“Sorry!! Was just finishing up some homework!” Honoka hastily explained as she took a seat next to Yukiho and was about to start eating before her father cleared his throat. Honoka felt a chill run up her spine.

“Before we eat, there’s something we’d like to discuss with you, █████.”

“Wh-what is it…?” 

“We know that right now you’re going through a lot of changes, █████.” Mrs. Kosaka started off, “but lately we can’t help but notice you seem to spend all your time locked away in your room.”

“And if it’s not there you’re with Sonoda-san or Minami-san.” Mr. Kosaka continued.

Honoka could swear she was starting to sweat, and the way Yukiho was looking at her wasn’t helping matters either.

“S-so? What’s so bad about that?”

“Well, ordinarily, nothing. It’s just…” Mrs. Kosaka trailed off.

“You know what they say about boys your age that hang around with girls so often, █████.”

“...n-no way! I-I’m not, no!!! W-why are we even talking about this here!? Yukiho’s way too young to hear about this…!”

“We’re just trying to make sure you’re safe, █████.” Mr. Kosaka explained. “But it is odd you still insist on spending time with those girls so often.”

“Your father’s right, █████. What will the boys at school think of you if they found out?”

“I don’t care what they think!” Honoka suddenly shouted, catching everyone at the table off guard, save for her father. “Kotori-chan and Umi-chan are the only ones who understand me, I can’t lose them!”

There was silence at the table for a few moments before Honoka’s mother spoke up.

“█████, what do you mean by that?”

‘Damnit…’ Honoka thought to herself. Her whole body was shaking from her outburst and her fists were balled up on her knees as she tried to recompose herself.

“█████,” Her father said, “answer your mother.”

Honoka took a deep breath in and looked up at her parents, doing her best to keep a calm expression.

“M-mom, dad, I… I’m actually a… a girl…”

Silence.

For the first time in what felt like years, Honoka’s father looked to be visibly surprised, while her mother looked like she was just trying to process what she had just been told.

Honoka wanted to cry. This wasn’t how she had wanted this to go, she didn’t even know how she had wanted to come out to her family, but this definitely wasn’t the way.

Seconds felt like hours before she felt a hand on her shoulder. When she looked up she saw her father looking down at her, a warmth in his expression that she had never seen before.

“Dad…?”

Honoka’s father knelt down next to her, keeping his hand on her shoulder. “How long have you felt like this?” He asked.

Honoka struggled to speak for a moment, but eventually got out a raspy “five years”.

“I see…”

“Y-you’re not mad, are you…?”

“Oh █████, of course not.” Mrs. Kosaka assured her, kneeling down next to her husband. “Though now that I think about it, that does explain the skirt I found under your bed…”

“And how you never get your hair cut!” Yukiho chimed in, Mr. Kosaka giving her a stern look. “I didn’t mean it in a BAD way!”

“Regardless of any of that, we could never be mad at you for something like this. You’re our child… our daughter…” Mrs. Kosaka said, looking to her husband.

“And we’ll support whatever path you choose to take in life.” Mr. Kosaka finished.

“M-mom… dad…” Honoka threw herself towards her parents and wrapped her arms around them, tears streaming down her face. “Th-thanks you guys…”

The rest of the night went rather uneventful, with Honoka helping her parents with the dishes once dinner was over. As she turned to leave the kitchen and go back to her room, her mother called out to her.

“███- actually, I can’t imagine you want to be called that anymore, do you? Is there another name you want us to use going forward?”

Honoka felt a heat in her chest, not too dissimilar to the one she first felt five years ago, and she smiled just as she had then.

“...Honoka. I’m Honoka now.”


	2. Chapter 2

Honoka looked herself over in the mirror. Today was the day, her first day of high school, and at an all girl’s high school to boot. She felt lucky that Kotori’s mom was the principal and had been just as accommodating to her needs as the rest of her family. Principal Minami assured Honoka and her parents that the only people who would know that Honoka was trans would be herself, Honoka’s homeroom teacher, and the school guidance counselor. 

It helped too that as of just a week ago, Honoka had been on estrogen and testosterone blockers for a whole year! She could still hardly believe the girl in the mirror was actually her, the differences were that astounding to her, even if at the time they weren’t as prominent as she might’ve liked. But that was fine! She was more than happy to have real curves and breasts just like she had dreamed of. Her mom had even started teaching her how to do her own makeup just so she could better pass at school! 

“Honoka! Kotori and Umi are here!”

“Coming, mom!” As Honoka gave herself one last once over in the mirror readjusting her blue school ribbon and picking her bag up off the floor, she felt that ever familiar heat in her chest return.

‘I can fly… anywhere I want to now!’

\---

Her first year of high school had come and gone without much issue in regards to her gender.

Sure she got a few odd glances, but she was only fifteen, she could easily just use puberty as an excuse if anyone asked any questions that answering would’ve put her in danger.

It wasn’t until her second year that things started to become problematic for her.

Honoka had been lucky enough to keep a relatively high pitched voice for about fifteen years, which had absolutely been a saving grace for her in her first year of high school, but when her classmates looked at her as if she had suddenly sprouted a pair of cat ears and a tail after she had introduced herself in her homeroom class, she swore she felt her stomach drop. No one had said anything about it, but the odd looks she got and the whispers she heard hadn’t been helping her mood as the day went by. She kept quiet the majority of the day, speaking only when asked to by her teachers, and even then the confidence and enthusiasm that could typically be heard in her voice was faltering, or sometimes even missing completely.

When lunch finally came around Honoka leaned her back against the large tree in the school courtyard and groaned, Kotori and Umi exchanging worried glances.

“Honoka-chan, are you still upset about this morning?” Kotori asked, taking a seat next to her best friend.

“Of course I am!” Honoka shouted as she shot up from the tree, her outburst catching the attention of a few nearby girls.

“Sixteen years! Sixteen years of a voice that didn’t sound like nails on a chalkboard, and for it to be gone NOW?!”

“Honoka,” Umi placed a hand on Honoka’s shoulder. “these things happen. We all knew that puberty would catch up with your transitioning eventually.”

“I know, but… but I thought maybe, maybe the doctor was wrong! Maybe I could’ve kept it all the way through high school!” 

Honoka groaned again before slumping back against the tree and taking a bite out of her bread. “It just… makes me feel like I’m not really a girl…”

“Don’t say that, Honoka-chan!” Kotori suddenly exclaimed, taking Honoka’s free hand into a tight grip. “There’s tons of girls with deep voices, even deeper than yours! Sure, they might not be super common, but they still exist, so you’re not alone!”

“Kotori’s right.” Umi said, keeping a firm grip on Honoka’s shoulder. “Though if our words aren’t enough to convince you, you could always take up vocal training so that you can learn to use your voice in a way that will sound more effeminate.”

Honoka perked up immediately upon hearing that last bit. “Really? I can do that?”

“D-didn’t your doctor tell you about that…!?”

“Mmm, she might’ve, but I must’ve not been listening at that exact moment! Ehehe…”

Umi leaned her head against the tree and groaned. “Honestly, Honoka, I really can’t believe you some days…”

“Umi-chan, be nice to her!”

“It’s her future, Kotori! She should be taking it more seriously than that!”

Honoka just sat between her friends’ “bickering”, suddenly finding it hard to stay so sad anymore. Without any warning she pulled the two girls in closer at an attempt of an hug, which more or less amounted to the three of them just, having their faces squished together. 

“H-Honoka…!”

“Honoka-chan…!?”

Honoka let the two of them go after a few moments, quickly pulling them both to their feet and looking at them both, her eyes clearly beginning to water.

“...I really love you two a lot, y’know that? You’ve stuck with me through so much and…” she stopped to wipe her eyes with her ribbon (Umi displaying brief shock at the sight). “god, I just… I don’t know what I’d do without you two…”

The three girls stood in silence for a good while, simply content with each other’s presence until the bell signifying the end of lunch rang.

“Hey, after school today, wanna come over and help me look up places for vocal training?”

“AFTER you study for your makeup exam!”

“Umi-chan, lighten up on her!”

The three girls would end up bickering about Honoka’s studying habits the whole walk to their next class, but Honoka wouldn’t have had it any other way.

\--

‘so who let a tranny start an idol group?’

‘LOL no wonder their ranking is still so low if theyve got a boy as the center!’

Kotori and Umi scrolled past comment after comment on their latest PV, and no matter how much positive feedback they found, it would never be enough to drown out the people who only sought to degrade Honoka’s appearance. Kotori felt more and more heartbroken with each message she read, but Umi was beside herself with anger the more she read. Who did these people think they were to say such things about her best friend? They had no idea what Honoka had been through all these years, having to keep who she was hidden for as long as she had and now, after being able to finally show the world who she really was with µ’s, she was being berated for it?

“How many are left to delete, Kotori?”

Kotori sighed. “It’s not that easy, Umi-chan. We can’t just delete them one by one, we have to report them to the site admins and wait for them to take them down themselves.

“And if we wait that long then we run the risk of Honoka seeing them! There has to be a quicker way to deal with thi-”

“Oi! What’s with all this shit I’m seeing in the PV comments!?”

Umi and Kotori whipped their heads around to see Nico storming into the club room holding her phone with a death grip, the first years all close behind.

“The fuck are all these comments about, huh?! Who’re these jerkoffs calling a tranny!? I’ll kick their asses straight to Hokkaido when I find out who’s spewing this bullshit!”

“Nico-chan, calm down!” Rin was trying her best to keep Nico under control, but the third year was practically on a warpath over what she had read, still shouting obscenities as Rin dragged her into a chair to calm down.

“She’s been like this ever since she first read the comments,” Maki explained “at first she thought they were about…” The redhead trailed off, giving the senior a worrying glance. Nico caught their gaze and finally stopped thrashing against Rin.

“I thought they were about me.” She hissed, balling up her fists and resting her arms on the clubroom table. “Cuz I made such a big deal over being the center, and…” she paused for a moment before taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain some sort of composure. “...and cuz I’m trans.”

The room was silent for a moment before Umi spoke up.

“Nico-senpai, we had no idea…”

“And I wanted to KEEP it that way!” Nico shot up from her seat and stomped over to Umi, getting right up in the second year’s face. “D’you know how many people would look at me differently if they knew I wasn’t a REAL girl?! How many people wouldn’t think I could ever be a REAL idol!?”

“N-Nico-senpai, you know we’d never treat you like that...!” Hanayo spoke up from the back of the table with Rin, who had been noticeably quiet since Nico had started her tirade.

“You really don’t get it do you?” Nico growled, sitting back down at the table. “This isn’t just about me, it’s about whichever one of us those dipshits are ganging up on. Sure, we’re all friends but the second someone outside of µ’s hears that one of their members isn’t a ‘real girl’? We’re finished.”

The rest of the girls stood in silence, Kotori and Umi exchanging worried glances. They could both tell they were thinking the same thing. Should they tell them all about Honoka? Did they even have the right to do that, even if these were her friends?

Umi eventually stepped forward. Something had to be said. “Listen everyone, there’s something you all need to kn-”

“It’s okay, Umi-chan. I’ll tell them.” 

The girls all turned their heads to the clubroom door, shocked to see Honoka standing in the doorway.

“Kosaka-senpai? How long have you…?”

“Long enough.” She stood unflinching, her head tilted enough for her bangs to cover her face. “Nico-chan… you don’t have to worry. None of those comments were about you.”

“Honoka…”

“They were about me.”

The room fell silent again. Nico and the first years were all shocked to varying degrees, while Kotori and Umi could hardly even move, let alone respond.

“Honoka-chan…” Kotori spoke up before Honoka suddenly bolted down the hallway.

“Honoka!” Umi dashed out after her, only to be met with an empty hall. 

‘No no no… this shouldn’t be happening, this can’t be happening…’

“Umi-senpai, is Honoka-senpai…?”

Umi turned around to see Rin standing in the doorway, looking almost as distressed as Honoka had.

Umi shook her head. “...it’s not my place to say, Hoshizora-san. For now… go with Kotori and Koizumi-san to principal Minami’s office.”

Rin gave a quick nod and rushed off towards the nearest stairwell, Hanayo and Kotori following after her, Kotori looking back at Umi with a worried expression before running after the two underclassmen.

“As for you two,” Umi turned her attention to Nico and Maki. “...we need to pay the student council president a visit.”

\---

Honoka didn’t think she had ever cried like this in her life. Not once.

Ever since she had come out to her family, she’d had nothing short of an ideal experience growing up as a trans girl. Her family fully accepted her, she had two best friends, who she loved more than life itself, that went above and beyond to help her feel more comfortable as a girl, and she had been able to start transitioning just in time for high school. Not once had she faced devastating hardships in regards to her gender identity, and yet it all seemed to come tumbling down this year.

Her voice deepening was easy enough to remedy, the vocal training she went through along with her singing in µ’s did wonders in helping her keep a more feminine sound, but there was still so much out of her control that her HRT couldn’t fix.

Her shoulders were so broad compared to the rest of her friends, even if Kotori had specifically designed her idol outfits to make them appear otherwise, and it was impossible to miss just how different her arms and legs looked from the other girls’. Sometimes just watching µ’s’ PVs was excruciating solely because even if Kotori and Umi always said otherwise, Honoka could only see what she feared most: a boy. A boy playing pretend in a world he didn’t belong in.

Honoka let out a sob, tightening her grip on her legs as she leaned against the door in the stall she hid away in, curled into a ball. She wished that the ground would just swallow her up into a void so that at least then she’d never have to look at her reflection again in those outfits, those outfits that, bless Kotori’s heart, would just bring out the worst in her heart.

“How can I save Otonokizaka…” she muttered through teary eyes “if I can’t even be the idol I swore I’d be…”

Honoka was suddenly pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of heels clicking nearby and she tensed up.

‘Don’t come to this stall, don’t come to this stall, don’t come to this stall, please please please please don’t come to th-’

Her prayers were dashed when someone knocked on the door to the stall she was in. Honoka stayed completely still, hoping that they’d move on to the next stall, or better yet, just leave entirely. For what felt like hours she sat in silent anxiety, until a voice called out to her, one that she never would’ve expected to hear in a million years.

“Kosaka, I know you’re in there. It’s Eli Ayase.”

‘The student council president?’ Was she the one who had posted the comments then? Had Umi and Kotori gone to her and forced the truth out of her, and now she was here to apologize? Honoka shook her head. No, that couldn’t be it. Sure, Eli seemed to hate the fact that µ’s existed, but she didn’t come across as a violent transphobe.

“I can’t imagine I’m someone you want to talk to right now but…” Honoka heard a sigh. “...your friends are worried about you, Kosaka.”

Honoka stayed silent. Of course her friends were worried, why wouldn’t they be? She didn’t need Eli to tell her that, she was the one who ran away from them all after essentially being forced into coming out to them all.

“Sonoda told me what happened, with the comments on your PVs. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. If I’d known what would come of it, I’d never have…” Eli trailed off, but didn’t attempt to finish her sentence. 

“...why do you even care.”

Honoka could tell Eli was stunned by that, but she didn’t care. 

“I know you hate me and the rest of µ’s, so why are you even trying to talk to me about this? Just go away.”

“That’s not true! I don’t hate you, Honoka!”

Honoka’s head popped up at the mention of her first name.

“Your idol group frustrates me to no end, I can never deny that. But you yourself, Honoka Kosaka? A girl whose stubbornness and passion has pulled together a group of seven girls, all united for a single cause? Even when it seems the rest of the world is screaming no? God, I could never hate you. If anything, I… I wish I could be more like you…”

Honoka could hardly believe what she was hearing. This couldn’t be real, could it? Pulling herself out of the ball she sat in, Honoka stood up and faced the door.

“What do you mean?” She asked, and for a moment she could’ve sworn she heard a sniffle from behind the door.

“Nozomi’s always said it’s funny just how similar we are, did you know that? We’re both just as stubborn and dedicated to our respective causes, and yet… Your drive just manages to keep outshining my own. At first, I couldn’t fathom how that was possible, but knowing what I know now about you? It all makes sense.

“You’re a wonderfully talented and beautiful woman, Honoka Kosaka. I’m not sure how much this will mean coming from me of all people, but… please, don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.”

There was silence yet again between the two, Honoka still trying to process everything she had just been told. She was about to respond when Eli cleared her throat.

“...again, I can never say enough how sorry I am that you’ve been subject to juvenile attacks like this, but believe me when I say that if you ever need someone to talk with about these things… I hope I can be that person for you.”

It was almost instantly that the stall door was thrown open and Eli was enveloped in the tightest hug she had ever been pulled into.

“K-Kosaka!? W-what are you…?”

“Thank you… thank you so much, Eli-senpai…”

“Y-you’re more than welcome but, Kosaka please let go of me…!”

Honoka quickly obliged and stepped back to give the older girl the space she needed, wiping whatever leftover tears were still gathering in her eyes.

“Honoka!”

Within seconds of letting go of Eli, the rest of µ’s suddenly came pouring into the restroom, Kotori and Umi leading the pack and throwing their arms around Honoka.

“Honoka I… I’m so sorry I… I should’ve done more, I… I…”

Honoka smiled. “It’s okay, Umi-chan, it’s not your fault.”

“But still, I…!”

“Umi-chan, she said it’s not your fault, and it isn’t, so calm down!”

“I…!” Umi sighed. “...if you both insist.”

“Geez, would you three just get a room already?”

“Nico-senpai!”

“What!? Look at them, they’re the absolute poster example of idiots in love!”

“You’re unbelievable, Nico-chan…”

Eli just watched on from the doorway, catching Honoka’s gaze and giving her a warm smile, to which Honoka responded with one of her own.

‘Eli-senpai… Umi-chan, Kotori-chan… and everyone… thank you. Thank you so much.’


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, Honoka-senpai? Can I uh, can I talk with you in private before bed?”

Honoka looked up from her place on the floor to see Rin looking down at her, a nervous look in the first year’s eyes. 

“Of course!” Honoka quickly leapt up and took Rin’s hands. “Where did you wanna go to talk?”

“Just upstairs is fine, I… I don’t know if I want the others to hear this yet…”

It was then that Honoka understood what Rin must’ve been wanting to talk to her about, to which she responded by holding the underclassman’s hands tighter and looking at her with a gentle expression.

“It’s okay, Rin-chan, you don’t have to say anything right now, let’s head on up there.”

Rin seemed to relax at that, and the two girls excused themselves and hurried upstairs, Rin taking them into a guest room and taking a seat on the bed inside as Honoka closed the door behind them. Honoka took a seat next to the younger girl, the two sitting in silence for a few moments before Rin spoke up.

“...so, I… I really look up to you a lot, Honoka-senpai! You’re super pretty, and talented, and…”

Honoka leaned forward. “And…?”

“And… and super brave! Even after all those people came after you in the PV comments, you didn’t let them stop you! I… I don’t think I could ever be as brave as you, Honoka-senpai…”

“Rin-chan, are you saying you’re…?”

Rin nodded. “Y-yeah, I’m trans too.” She threw her hands up in the air and waved them around while making a “whoooo!!” noise. “...big shock, huh?”

“W-well, I guess when looking back on things, there were definitely signs I probably could’ve picked up on, so if anything that at least means you’re doing a good job passing, right?”

Rin sighed and flopped onto her back. “I guess so, but… Honoka-senpai, did your parents accept you when you came out to them?”

“Did yours not?”

“That’s kinda the problem, my mom did, but my dad… my dad left us because of it.”

“Rin-chan, I…”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything, it’s probably not easy to relate to, huh?”

Honoka gave a sheepish laugh. “Yeah, I guess not.”

Rin let out another sigh as she gazed up at the ceiling. “I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, ‘specially when I’ve got my mom and Kayo-chin supporting me, but I… I really miss my dad some days, even if he did say some awful stuff to me after I came out…

“Don’t get me wrong though! I love my mom a bunch, and I’m so happy she’s been supportive as she’s been, but it just feels like… like I ruined our family…”

Honoka shook her head. “Nothing that happened is your fault, Rin-chan, that’s all on your dad. If he can’t see the beauty in having a daughter like you then… then I think he’s dumber than a sack of rocks! ...that wasn’t uncalled for was it?”

Honoka’s answer was a snort coming from Rin, who was desperately trying to keep herself from laughing too hard at Honoka’s comment on her dad.

“N-no, y-you’re fine Honoka-senpai! I-I just didn’t…” The first year quickly devolved into a giggling mess, with Honoka watching on dumbfounded as to how she could’ve turned Rin’s mood around so easily. 

Eventually Rin finally calmed herself down, sitting back and wiping a stray tear from her eye.

“So, are you feeling better now Rin-chan?”

“Y-yeah, I think so, thanks Honoka-senpai!”

“I didn’t do that much though, I just made fun of your dad.”

“Yeah but like, it was so YOU! It was so blunt and honest, I could tell you really cared when you said he was that dumb, nya!

“I dunno if I’m ready to come out to the rest of µ’s yet, but…” Rin said as she jumped off the bed. “...I’m at least glad I was able to talk to you about this, nya!”

“Honoka, Rin! Where are you two hiding, you’re supposed to be getting ready for bed so we’re rested up for practice tomorrow!”

The brief respite between the two girls was quickly shattered by Umi shouting for them from the first floor.

“W-we should probably get back down there before Umi-chan comes looking for us…”

“Yeah, good point nya!” Rin threw the door open and rushed down the stairs, a shriek from Nico and Maki letting Honoka know that Rin must’ve crashed right into the two on her way down. Honoka couldn’t help but let out a giggle, making her way after the first year.

‘I believe in you, Rin. I know you’ll be strong enough to tell the others one day.’

\---

Honoka and Tsubasa sat beside each other in silence, neither girl having said anything since they had initially met up mere minutes ago. Each passing second of silence only served to fill Honoka with more and more anxiety, which wasn’t totally misplaced considering she was sitting next to the leader of the group μ’s had just conquered in the Love Live! preliminary finals not even a week ago. Tsubasa hadn’t shown any real signs of animosity towards her or the rest of µ’s in the past few months, was she about to break that streak here and now?

“Kosaka-san, did you hear me?”

“Eh?” Honoka was pulled out her thoughts, finally noticing that Tsubasa was giving her an odd look.

“Uh, n-not really, sorry…!” She gave a sheepish laugh, Tsubasa chuckling softly in response.

“It’s fine, I can’t imagine you’re entirely without question as to why I asked you all the way out here are you?”

“Well, just a little I guess?”

“Completely understandable, and to repeat myself, I wanted to congratulate you again in progressing past the preliminaries.”

“Oh, thanks! But, that can’t be all there is to why we’re here, right?”

Tsubasa smirked and sat back on the bench, gazing out at the lake before them.

“I always wanted to congratulate you for making it so far as a school idol. What you and your friends have accomplished is no small feat, especially given your own personal circumstances.”

Honoka sat motionless for a moment before an expression of shock gradually overcame her face. “Y-you know that I’m…?!”

“Transgender?” Tsubasa turned to face Honoka, placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder upon seeing her expression. “There’s no need to worry, Kosaka-san, I didn’t drag you all the way out here just to humiliate you. Your secret is safe with me.”

Honoka relaxed slightly at Tsubasa’s words, but her uneasiness wasn’t totally gone just yet.

“But, but how did you know? We’ve only seen each other what, five times? I don’t even think we’ve used the same dressing rooms!” Honoka’s eyes widened. “Unless… are you trans too?!”

“Me?” Tsubasa chuckled again. “No, I’m not trans, but you remember Anju don’t you?” Honoka gave Tsubasa a nod. “She came out to Erena and I just before we all started middle school, so I suppose knowing her as long as I have helps me pick up on things most others would overlook.”

“I guess that makes sense… Would she be okay with this though? You know, you telling me she’s trans too?”

Tsubasa shook her head. “Anju has been very vocal about her gender identity at UTX, I’m actually rather surprised you never knew before now.”

Honoka gave another sheepish laugh. “Well, I’m glad everything seems to be working out well for her!”

Tsubasa smiled, turning her attention back to the lake. “I think she’d be happy to hear that. Which reminds me…” Tsubasa pulled her handbag off the ground and fished her hand around inside before pulling out a smaller bag and handing it to Honoka. “Anju was the one who initially suggested it, but know that both Erena and myself send our blessings with it.”

Honoka went to pull apart the tissue paper inside the bag before Tsubasa stopped her. 

“You may want to wait until you get home to open it. It’s rather… personal.”

Honoka gave Tsubasa a nod, enveloping the girl in a tight hug, which Tsubasa gladly reciprocated.

\---

Later that night as Tsubasa was just about to turn in for bed, she heard her phone go off on her nightstand. Seeing a text notification from Honoka, she unlocked her phone and was greeted by a picture of the ginger-haired girl enveloped proudly in a transgender pride flag.

“tyyyyyyyy tuba-chan!!!!!! <3 <3 <3”

Tsubasa smiled. She’d have to let Anju know how things went in the morning.

\---

“Tomorrow’s really graduation, huh?”

“Yeah… I guess it is…”

“Honoka, you’re not worried, are you?”

Honoka shook her head. “Nuh uh, everything’ll be fine, just you wait and see, Umi-chan!”

Umi chuckled, turning her gaze to the stars. “I suppose I’ve no choice but to do just that then, don’t I?.”

“Aww, is our Umi-chan going soft?”

Umi’s mood immediately shifted, her cheeks going red.

“Kotori-chan, you’re embarrassing her!”

Kotori giggled, wrapping an arm around her flustered girlfriend. Honoka did the same, looking up at the night sky above them. The three of them had decided to meet up that night at the steps to the shrine they’d used for practicing nearly a whole year ago. Though if anything it had mainly been Honoka’s idea, Umi and Kotori both knowing there wasn’t much use in going against one of Honoka’s ideas like this. 

The three sat in silence, just as they’d done many times in the past, as always simply content with each other’s presence. The rest of µ’s had always joked about how the three of them were practically soulmates, Nozomi once even asking when they’d be having their wedding. Umi had actually fainted at the question and to this day still didn’t remember what had happened prior to her passing out. After what had been years coming, and with a little push from their friends, the second years finally confessed their feelings to each other, solidifying themselves as girlfriends.

‘Girlfriends…’

Honoka leaned her head into the crook of Umi’s neck and smiled. There were times she wondered what she had done to deserve people like Umi and Kotori in her life, people who had stood with her through thick and thin, through good and bad times, who she could now proudly say she was in love with.

“Honoka, Kotori…?”

The silence was suddenly broken by Umi, the two girls turning to face her.

“What’s up, Umi-chan?”

Umi took in a deep breath, clenching her girlfriends’ hands as tight as she possibly could. 

“These past ten years… they’ve truly been the best years of my life. To think that the two girls who invited me to play tag all those years ago would have such an impact on my life… I can’t say enough how grateful I am to you two.”

“Umi-chan…”

“I know I may act… difficult occasionally, but… it’s because I love you two as much as I do, especially with you, Honoka.”

Honoka gave Umi a pout, but let her continue.

“It’s because of you two that… that I feel I can finally be myself, who I really am.” Umi paused and took a deep breath in. “Ever since we came to Otonokizaka, I’ve always felt... different from the other girls. I suppose it could be like how Honoka felt when she was younger, though not entirely the same? 

“I’ve done my own research since then and… while I still don’t have it entirely figured out myself, if I had to give a name to it, I’d say that… that I’m non-binary.”

Umi barely had a second to breathe before Honoka and Kotori had wrapped their arms around them, but for once? They didn’t mind in the slightest. They didn’t need any words of affirmation, not from Honoka and Kotori. What mattered most to them was that Honoka and Kotori had made it clear they would stay by their side, just as they always had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! so, we're pretty close to the end already. i wanted to throw smth here at the end of this chapter, just to sort of sum up what writing this chapter meant to me. i really thought it was important to focus a whole chapter of honoka interacting with those around her, how they treat her and her identity and how she reacts to people like her. the bit with rin was really important to me to write, really the only thing i ended up cutting was an off hand mention of rin's mom dating another woman and rin really liking her. the bit w/ tsubasa just felt like a good thing to have, and god i was so fucking happy to be able to fit in honokotoumi and at least a little bit of nb umi. ive got more thoughts, but i'll prob save those for the end when we get there,


End file.
